Let’s start with a question. Where are you on your journey to authenticity?
For me, fourteen years ago, I thought I was on the right track. I am not afraid to admit I was very generously unaware of who I was. One could say I took the scenic route to this elusive place we call living authentically.
It’s fitting that the Fall Summit is here at the Art Gallery. The picture I’m about to paint of my life will be more like a chaotic Jackson Pollock than a pretty Monet.
Hi, my name is Jalene Murphy. And I am the author of Modern Day Courage. In a short ten minutes, I hope you find value in hearing about my journey of overcoming obstacles and using courage to navigate divorce, sexual affirmation, self-love…and a mix of guilt and shame.
I’m going to be wearing my heart on my sleeve!
For years, I tried to sketch my life within the rigid frame of Catholicism.
I was raised in a large family in a small prairie town. Growing up in a catholic family, abstinence before marriage was essential…or else you’re on the path to a dark place. Hell. I fell in love at 20; things got intimate…so I guess I wasn’t the perfect catholic.
And by 24 – think white dress, this same wonderful man and a wedding.
As our marriage went by, I left the Church; became more comfortable in my body, and my curiosity about sex grew. Since I had only slept with the man I married, my husband gave me consent to have an extramarital sexual encounter with another man.
Yes! A fling was in! While visiting a friend in Bermuda, I met a Cuban man with a body of granite, and his skillful hands began to dismantle the walls of my beliefs about sexuality. I allowed myself to enjoy sex without feeling ashamed of using my body for pleasure. I embraced this experience, letting go of the guilt about having sex with someone who wasn’t my husband.
I learned about different forms of sexual touch. It illuminated how much tip-toeing I did around sexual pleasure and how disconnected I grew up from my body thanks to the teachings of the Church.
As I mentioned off the top, this has been a complicated journey…and I was surprised at 30 when my curiosity about having a sexual encounter with a woman blossomed. Within our marriage, we supported each other’s quests for growth and agreed I could pursue this experience if the opportunity arose during my 30th birthday trip with my best friend.
On the Turkish coast, I met a woman. She was intriguing, with thick jet-black hair and curvy hips. I was on a tour without the privacy of a solo room, so I ended up loving her in the hostel changing room, where the connection ignited a whirlwind for me. Despite my deep love for my husband, these tender and sensual moments in a foreign land felt like I was coming home for the first time.
I struggled to understand what it meant. I didn’t feel gay; I identified as straight, but this hostel-change-room-romance altered my world and challenged me to my core. Sex with a woman felt like a more inclusive experience.
I returned to Canada and swept those feelings aside by returning to the safety of my marriage. My husband did his best to comfort me, I carried on, still in love with him, though the longing never subsided.
Fast-forward two years, and I can’t stop thinking about the Turkish girl. One night, I watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, a movie about lost love, and put on my Sherlock Holmes hat to track her down. With just her first name and the industry she worked in, I searched online until I discovered a blog with her name on it. I emailed her to see if she was the woman I met on the Turkish coast. Bingo! She confirmed she was.
After five months of exchanging emails with her, my husband put me on a plane to Istanbul. I was nervous to see her again as so much time had passed – wondering if she liked me as much as I loved her. I was curious if I made an impact on her as she did on me. Did she see me in her life the way I saw her in my life? Loving her in a hotel room was spellbinding and left me wanting more.
The morning I woke up beside her, curled into and held her while listening to the Islamic call to prayer – I prayed to hold onto her…. longer.
On that trip to Istanbul, I turned 33.
Finally, at 38—admitting I wasn’t happy and agonizing over whether I should stay married—I found myself on a beach in Kelowna. It was there, amidst the golden sands, as I checked out both men and the women, that I had that epiphany: I am attracted to women! The realization struck me like a lightning bolt—it is not just this one woman in Turkey.
As this all started to unravel, floating me into an identity unknown – I didn’t think I was totally straight, but am I gay, or am I bisexual?
The ambiguity was agonizing.
Once I came to terms with the fact that I didn’t belong in my marriage, I had to be courageous and ask my husband, the man I loved deeply and who stood by my side through so much, for a divorce. I had to break his heart, and in turn, I knew I would lose my best friend. I had to find out WHO I WAS and work through the fear of coming out to my Catholic family. I had to embrace my true identity.
At 40 years old, after I had signed the divorce papers, I spent a night with a woman which confirmed I had made the right decision.
So why am I here today, sharing some of my most intimate moments?
I’m sharing to show that living authentically doesn’t happen automatically; it took awareness to peel the layers and build trust within myself. It took time to value myself.
Ladies – use courage to take difficult steps to honor your deepest desires, which lay the foundation of your authentic life to reveal the masterpiece that is you!